Wild and free

What is freedom, and what did I want to be free of? 

According to numerous google searches, it is defined as the state of being free, independent, without restrictions, or release from prison (hopefully, being released from prison is not on my life agenda).  

Since the first time I watched the film Forest Gump many years ago, I've caught myself on several occasions throughout the years reciting the lines ... "Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here"... I wanted to escape the life that my parents had lived, that I had grown up in. I knew the struggles they faced were not normal for a lot of families, living week by week, borrowing money, extension on bills, unlimited supply of cigarettes and bottles of booze. 

My number one goal since I can remember, was to never turn out like my parents. I strived to be a successful, independent woman who would be the best provider for my future family. 

Just over a year ago, I finally flew the coop, free from my old life and responsibilities- the world was my oyster. I landed in the UK to start my new, independent life as an 'Aussies in London' teacher. 

But I wasn't alone... I always had my reliable friend with me, and that friend was a bottle of cider, who the next day would be referred to as the 'hair of the dog'. 

The first few weeks of my new life were magical, touring Scotland, and partying hard throughout the nights in Edinburgh with other like minded travellers. It was the dream coming true. I felt like that bird, that had flew far far away. 

I landed in London, and the freedom felt like it started to slowly disappear. I had to sleep on a hard, leather couch in the middle of a friends freezing cold, damp living room. I had to attempt to set up bank accounts (for anyone who's ever done this in London- you know this is a tough gig without proof of address), trying to get a house to live in and to find work. All proving to be difficult without a permanent address.  With the stress of all this, my reliable friend and I would hit the town- with or without other human company to destress and remind me of the freedom I had achieved. 

Back home in Aus, on the surface, my life looked like I was totally in control. I had put myself through university, working full time as a teacher and a part-time carer to my disabled, alcoholic dad. 

But, in reality I was struggling to stay a float. I was drowning in weekend after weekend fuelled binging, on cider and cigarettes. It allowed me to feel that little sense of freedom I so desperately craved. Every Sunday ended the same, severe hangovers.  The dry mouth. Thumping headache. Sore throat. 

The guilt... oh god the guilt.

This was by far the worst. I never knew what would happen from one weekend to the next, and when I didn't feel the guilt as strong or I would reassure myself that everything was fine, I convinced myself that I didn't have a problem, and that it was OK to go back out with my reliable friend the following week. 

I had two voices in my head, the 'earnest' and the 'wild and free'. The earnest voice, questioned if this was normal. Was I, a 25 year old, alcoholic? I couldn't be, right?
I didn't drink everyday. I wasn't spending my last penny on booze. I had a roof over my head, and I was abusing anyone (most of the time). So, I ignored the earnestness thoughts and I continued drinking for 2 more years. 

I was to naive at the time to believe, that what I needed to be free of was this ' reliable friend'. The friend that would follow me and convince me that it was OK to just have one more. 
I thought I loved it so dearly, it was always there when I was happy, upset or just needed to feel better. 

In reality it was slowly killing me and would eventually start to ruin my life that I strived so hard to create.

I didn't want to end up like my parents.. but I was slowly following in their boozy footsteps.  

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If you liked this blog, please continue to follow me on my journey (past and present). 

My next blog will be about my realisation of my addiction to alcohol and how one day at a time, I now live my life. 

I hope this blog inspires and helps others that have struggled like I have.  

J xx